Hey, I had to write a persuasive letter for uni and thought I’d share it here with you.
Before any vegetarians or vegans attack me — it is all in good spirit! I don’t actually eat bacon that often, nor am I entitled to speak for all meat eaters of the world. Keep that in mind! (Also, I think vegans are super cool people and I don’t mind tofu).
Dear Vegetarians Everywhere,
I am writing this letter to you on behalf of all meat-eating people.
Firstly, I would like to congratulate you on your stoic ability to withstand the temptation of meat. I will never be able to comprehend how someone can turn away from the greasy pull of Kentucky Fried Chicken or the satisfying crunch of a bit of pork on your fork. But you hold such strong values and that is amazing and something of which you should be proud.
Secondly, you inspire me every day in your determination to help the plight of voiceless animals. I’m sure that if the woodland creatures could talk, their first words would be a thank you to vegetarians around the world.
More than anything, I am amazed that you can eat tofu without having to be at gun point.
You’re my favorite type of picky eaters because there are a lot of vegetarian alternatives to normal food. You’re much better than the vegans. Let us never speak of them, making dinner parties so much more difficult.
I think it is inspiring that you protect the innocent creatures that roam the earth from being eaten by the truckload by greedy humans.
You are effectively reinstating the equilibrium of living creatures. For far too long people have forced themselves to be on top of the food chain by devouring every other animal. It isn’t right.
Except in the case of one delicious meat that would be a crime not to partake in.
Stay with me.
Bacon makes the world go around. It cures hangovers. It helps fetal brain development. It complements every other dish. It puts a smile on everyone’s dial.
I don’t want you to miss out on that.
I think bacon could create world peace. I honestly do. If only all the world leaders would sit down to a breakfast of bacon, there would be no more wars. There would not be terrorism, nor any fighting, theft or lying. Bacon is so full of goodness that it replaces the dark aspects of humanity with sunshine and rainbows.
I know that the very essence of being a vegetarian is trying to keep animals running in the wild, rather than sitting on the plates of humans. I know that you want to keep all the animals in the world safe. I agree: there shouldn’t be whaling, chickens should be left to run free and the only cruelty to cows should be the act of ‘cow tipping’ because that is just a good time and if whoever/whatever made cows didn’t want them to be tipped, they wouldn’t have made it so easy to do.
But pigs are different. If not to make bacon, what would their role be in the world? They are not very fast, nor very beautiful. They are not particularly smart or even worthy predators. Therefore they must be used for the one purpose for living: giving the world bacon.
In fact, I think pigs would want us to eat their bacon. I think it would break their heart if it wasn’t eaten, because even they know that it is for the greater good of mankind to partake in that level of deliciousness. It is their life’s purpose. Who are we to take that away from them?
My greatest sorrow in the world is that pigs cannot eat bacon themselves. They will never know the amazing capacity for happiness that their meat has. Thus, the least we can do is eat it for them.
This may be jarring to you, as you want to protect every animal. But I think an agreement can be struck. I find that it is only bacon that holds me back from vegetarianism, so perhaps you would allow us to eat the most beautiful treasure on this green earth — bacon — if we could promise in return to leave all the other animals alone. Bacon is that good; we would make that sacrifice.
Wouldn’t you be happy in the knowledge that you had saved every other species of animal known to man from being the centerpiece of our plate?
I know I would be. I would be happy staring out at all the untouched animals while I gnawed down on some sweet, sweet bacon.
Think it over.
P.S. I’ll see you September 3rd — International Bacon Day!