(This blog post is not about guys who are genuinely nice – which there are a lot of! It is about the minority — self-proclaimed nice guys who feel entitled to women)
Over the weekend there was another tragic shooting massacre in America, this time allegedly committed by a 22 year old on other young people at his college because he felt that they shouldn’t be happy when he wasn’t.
I pity the families of those who lost their lives, and the victims themselves for having their potential cut short for someone else’s problems.
There are a lot of complex issues embroiled in this one horrible incident.
Firstly, the gun laws in America need to change. Yes, I know it’s extremely hard with their rigid constitution and the cemented interpretation of the right to bear arms, but how many more people need to die before the politicians, the NRA and the general voting populace realize it is time to make a change? I hope that the answer to that question is zero. Losing your child in such a horrific way is something that no more parents should have to live through.
Secondly, the alleged shooter had apparently been diagnosed with asperges and was being treated by psychiatrists, but was not taking the medication prescribed to him. There needs to be more support and accountability mechanisms for people with mental illnesses of this sort.
But the issue that I want to talk about is the messed up mindset that a worryingly large amount of people share with the perpetrator of this crime — that they are nice guys who deserve love and sex from women.
To feel as if you deserve the affections of someone is to take away their power of choice and assume a position of superior authority.
To feel as if you deserve the sex of women because you are a ‘nice guy’ and if they don’t give it to you then they are ‘sluts’ is to be a misogynist and just a generally crappy human being.
Chances are that if you think you’re a nice guy and consequently deserve a woman, and that they are stupid and ‘all the same’ for going for ‘douchebags’, then you’re not actually a nice guy at all. You’re actually a twat.
This ‘nice guy’ mindset is such an unhealthy mindset, not least of all because it is comes from a highly misogynistic place.
‘Nice guys’ are not entitled to a girl’s heart or body just because they don’t make her feel bad about herself.
Some men (not, by far, all) cannot handle rejection from women because they are brought up thinking that they are god’s gift to women, and that they deserve women. When this does not square with reality, they can go pretty mental. Cue: guy shoots girl for rejecting his prom proposal.
The really scary thing is that you see it all the time on a local level. It happens to girls all the time when they are out at night at clubs, or just walking down the street.
When a friend and I walk along the long road next to the beach near our houses, we are beeped at and yelled at by guys in cars as they drive past. They objectify women and make them feel threatened. You may laugh it off or see it as a compliment, but to me it is offensive and it really stresses me out. When I’m walking down the street and a guy slows down next to me to whistle appreciatively or try to strike up a conversation with sexist terms, I feel threatened. My heart beats fast, I have adrenaline pumping through me, my mind is hyper alert. Why? Because they have incited my ‘fight or flight’ reflex. They have me scared. Because while 9/10 guys will see your disinterest in them and speed off, there is a chance I will come face to face with that one in ten guy – the one who follows me, whose advances go from sexual to mean, to calling me a “bitch” or threatening me. It happens to more people and more often then you probably think.
At clubs, guys feel as if by paying for a drink or talking to a girl then their ‘nice’ actions should be rewarded. That is not being a nice guy. Doing something nice for someone in the expectation that you will receive something back isn’t right.
On my first night out with a friend of mine, we were enjoying catching up whilst sitting in a quiet corner of a bar with a drink each. Two guys, both older than us, proceeded to interrupt this conversation and sit with us. I am fine with that — I’m open to meeting new people. But these guys continued to buy us drinks and act as if they were entitled to our affection and attention because of it. When my friend and I said that we were going to leave, they decided to follow us. When we tried to say goodbye, they tried to link arms with us and physically keep us with them. As if that kind of behavior is going to make us have a sudden epiphany that these are the guys we want to be with. Eventually we were lucky enough to be overheard stressing about how to ditch these guys in the bathroom by one of the owners/workers of the bar we were in. She was just as creeped out as we were, and let us hang out on the DJ’s stage with her to avoid being near those guys. This didn’t stop them from sitting in the booths in front of the stage and taking photos of us.
It worries me that this is ‘normal’. It worries me that almost every girl who has gone for a night out with a friend has had similar experiences. It worries me that guys feel entitled to the attention of girls, no matter how the girl may feel about them.
It is a mindset born of misogyny and bred by a society that deals out the idea that girls are sluts if they wear certain clothes, or are ‘asking for it’ (‘it’ being sexual advances, wanted or not) if they show certain behaviors.
More often than not, the rejection of guys by women leads to a sudden switch from “Why don’t women want to date nice guys like me?” to “Women are bitches and sluts and they all go for the wrong guys. I hate them.”
Does it happen because of rejection? No. It’s there, underneath a ‘nice’ facade the whole time.
The very idea that being a nice human being (which should just be a given) entitles you to women is unbelievably sexist and ignorant.
This is not how life works:
It is an idea that is closely linked to the idea of the ‘friendzone’ which operates under the same principle — ‘nice guys’ are treated as friends by girls while they go off and date ‘douchebags’.
It’s complete BS. If you are nice to someone and they don’t see you as a potential partner, but do want to be friends with you, then that is great. You’ve made a new friend, well done.
“The friendzone is somewhere men put themselves when they use the pretense of friendship to try and get laid.”
If a girl dates a guy who isn’t you, it isn’t because you’re a ‘nice guy’. It’s probably because you spend so much time thinking you’re a nice guy when you spout thinly-veiled misogynistic ‘compliments’ that the girls decide to just go for someone who isn’t basing their opinions on girls on such ridiculously outdated ideas of femininity, ‘purity’ and chastity. I hate to break it to you, but you’re probably the douchebag.
‘Nice guy’ entitlement is thinking that they are the victims of women’s “irrationality or cruelty” rather than realising that they just aren’t that nice of a guy.
You may not think that this is common. And I am not, by any means, saying that all guys, or even most guys, are like this. It’s a minority, but a vocal one.
In response to the last YouTube video the alleged killer made which spoke about how his rejection by women meant that they deserve to die, a whole bunch of people actually supported his sentiments:
This kind of ridiculous feeling is absolutely supported in society.
Our society leads people to ask “what was she wearing?” when they hear a girl was raped. As if it is her fault. As if her sexuality is a dangerous thing. As if guys just couldn’t help themselves because she was dressed ‘provocatively’.
Our society makes female sexuality such a convoluted concept (virgins are these crazy untouchable ‘pure things’ but simultaneously frigid, and any girl who has been sexually active is a slut) that it leads some people to think that sex is owed to them.
So take off your fedoras and look in a mirror, ‘nice guys’. NOTHING is owed to you.
I recommend you get out of this BS mindset before you go down the same tragic path as the alleged killer did.
P.S. Just because girls say “You’re such a nice guy and all, but…” when they reject you, it doesn’t mean you’re actually a really nice guy. She’s just letting you down easy, buddy. Wake up and smell the roses.
P.P.S. Apparently rather than stricter gun laws, help for those with mental illnesses or a change in societal mindset, legalising prostitution would have solved all issues:
I can’t. I just can’t.
P.P.P.S. Please read both of these: